A Few Notes From A Happy Place. Lets Catch Up!
Lets pretend i have been consistent these past few months. LOL
Dear reader,
I hope this letter finds you well. I have started writing this a few times and stopped. Initially, I didn't have any expectations for this newsletter. I figured it would be a good way to journal my life, but since we started on this journey, we have grown beyond what I thought was possible.
This growth, although beautiful, also forced me to take a step back. I became suddenly aware of how much of myself should be visible and how much should remain under a veil no matter how thin.
But here I am, alas, writing and hoping you're reading. It's 12 AM, and I am listening to Hozier. I crawled down a rabbit hole on YouTube and found some of his old interviews. Something about watching that man speak inspires me so much. I'm listening to his self-titled debut album: Hozier.
I saw somewhere that he wrote and composed the entire thing himself. The album has the hit track "Take me to church". I think Hozier's creativity is boundless and relentless, like an ever-growing presence or absence depending on how you look at it. Some days he pushes you to do more, to be more. On other days the absence of his music creates a burning desire for art, and who better to create it than you?
I recently read "A Little Life" by Hanya Yanagihara, and this newsletter is probably the first place I am putting down my thoughts (however scrambled) about it.
This book haunts me, even beyond this reality. I'm particularly drawn to sadness, and I've given up any hope of understanding why. But this book was not sad just for the sake of being sad.
Yes, it was very difficult to imagine someone like Jude, to imagine him as someone real, because that would mean that everything that happened to him was real, and that would mean we live in that world. To some, that might be a difficult realization. But I feel it deep in my guts that there are a million and one Judes scattered around the world. This book dragged me through the different stages of grief and melancholy. I don't know. But it felt like I was bound to it, to a firm grip, and despite my protests, it dragged me across a wet and setting concrete.
I love the writing, and I'm in awe of how Hanya was able to be so articulate, so coherent, so thoughtful, insightful, and annoying for a manuscript that size.
Reading this book, I realized that as humans, we are the sum of our past. So much of who Jude was or wasn't can all be attributed to his past. But one thing I find really striking is how the darkness of his past didn't entirely eclipse his world.
Yes, he was damaged, but he still knew love, at least a version of it, even though he didn't have it. He still grew up wanting to do right, to be right, and to chase perfection, even with broken legs. My only regret is that he chased something he couldn't recognize. He lived his entire life trying to be good, not to be a burden, and to never be a liability. Who would blame him?
All his life, he has been treated as baggage. Something people feed because they have to. It's so difficult for him to imagine a world where people feed him because they want to.
I was initially pissed because he wouldn't let Harold or Willem love him, but I quickly realized he didn't know how. Jude was a genius in so many ways, but he lacked the knowledge of love, in terms of what it can be, the different forms it can take, and the ways it can be received. I think that's what trauma took away from him, among other things.
And I agree with Hanya on this: trauma takes something away from all of us. Sometimes, something entirely different grows in the absence of that thing and we end up living our entire life without even realizing it.
I recently graduated from the university. Initially, I had wanted to write a separate letter about it, but upon completing the first draft, I realized it was filled with me complaining about the severely agonizing nightmare that is public education in this country.
To be honest, I am not very excited about being done with school. I clocked out mentally around April last year, and I can barely remember studying for my finals. I just moved because the world said we should. Forward, sideways, tilt- it felt like I was inside a snow globe in the hands of a clumsy child.
One thing that surprised me after graduation was everyone asking me when I was going to serve. LMAO. I have already drawn up plans for myself, and NYSC is not on my agenda for the next year 💀. Perhaps I'll reconsider next year, but seriously, I do not care. Nigeria has not given me any reason why I should risk my life to serve her.
Recently, I completed my data analysis internship, and I got a prize for being one of the best students in this cohort. It was quite exciting, and I'm hoping to get a few things in order before I start job hunting.
I was also recently listed among the top ten Nigerian Bookstagrammers to follow, a list curated and published by Farafina Books. I was particularly excited about this because the bookstagram community is such a lovely space, and I've felt nothing but safe and welcomed. You can check out the list here.
I made a new playlist. I enjoy creating playlists because I'm interested in how different artists and music can fuse together to create something divine. One of my closest friends sent me a screenshot of their YouTube music recap, and my playlist was their number one for the season, which warmed my heart.
For this playlist, I was going for something on the low but not entirely sad. It opens with an interlude from Sam Smith's "Gloria" album, and the playlist officially starts with Isak Danielson's live performance of "Religion." We maintain that tempo throughout the playlist, and I had so much fun making it. I hope you enjoy listening to it. You can listen to it on Spotify here and on YouTube music here.
If you're looking for good TV shows to unwind with, here are some recommendations.
Last month, I wrote a review of "Butter Honey Pig Bread," and it was published on RovingHeights Blog. You can read it here.
Last month I also featured on Shawn the Book Meniac's Youtube channel and we talked about Vagabonds! it was so much fun. watch below.
Now it’s your turn!
How are you? how is life treating you?
I hope you are keeping on.
I look forward to writing to you again.
You have my best wishes,
Emeka.
How I miss you. Keep going 🤎